pieces of you

"Thought that I was finished
Thought that I was complete
Thought that I was whole
Instead of being half of something"

friend of mine like the band the Proclaimers because they could fit the words "margarine" and "Saskatchewan" into the same verse of a song...

i've been thinking about that above verse a lot. Suka asks me every so often-- what am i looking for in a relationship? Master/slave? Daddy/boy? Dom/submissive? heck, toss Trainer/pup in the mix... or am i just looking for "girlfriend"? Would i have ever imagined three years ago that one of my relationship possibilities would include being someone's puppy?

But so many people in the Leather community are defined by their relationships to the people in their lives. So many people consider themselves just a piece of something bigger.

i have not dated much in my life (which comes in handy if you think about it-- fewer exes to run into at the grocery store) so i've never considered myself someone who needs to be defined by who i'm with. But the more i hear about and learn about Master/slave Dom/sub type relationships, i wonder if it IS something that has been missing from my life. So, i'm trying to figure out WHAT i'm looking for... maybe if i figure out WHAT i want, i'll have an easier time of finding it?

i was telling a friend of mine just last night that i like the idea of wearing a collar, an "i belong to..." cat tag, sometimes even a leash. but it's been a long time since i've had that, and the LAST time that i had that kind of relationship, she didn't deserve me. but THAT'S a long time ago

what were we thinking?

i just finished watching Fahrenheit 9/11 for the first time... and not that i supported "W" ever, but OMG how on Earth... WHY did any of the American people re-elect this man?

Lincoln's Ass is HOT

i work at a discount bookstore chain, and we price the publisher overstock that we get at a centralized warehouse. everything in the warehouse gets priced and tracked with a barcode label, and a portion of the title gets printed on the label... but there is only so much room... we get some interesting titles in the bargain... i save the funniest labels:

"Fighting Cock" (fighting cockpits-- a calendar of airplane cockpit photos)

"Creative Wipe" (i think this was a kids workbook or something)

"Wine Made Sim" (only funny since my work title is SIM--Store Inventory Manager)

"Pope Action" (HOT Pope on Pope Action!)

"Cook'n With P" (I think that the P was for Pillsbury)

"God Calling"

"Fish Tank Son" (fish tank sonata, a weird art/photo book)

"Seven Drunken" (maybe a Kung Fu DVD?)

"Hip Hop Ho" (this series for young girls called Bratz... full title was "Hip Hop Hot")

"Messiah-Jew" (a software game called Messiah and it was in a jewel case)

"Holly Moneyho" but she was still only $1.98

"Lincoln's Ass" (the classic that we fall back on week after week. shortened from "Lincoln's Assassins". Every joke at the warehouse comes back to Lincoln's Ass... "The History of Farting really blew out Lincoln's Ass")

regrets.... yeah-- HA!

"i've got a delicate mind
i've got a dangerous nature
my face collides
with your furniture"

little Annie Lennox/Eurythmics there. Song called, you guessed it-- "Regrets"

i keep telling myself that my biggest regrets are not those of action but of inaction-- rarley do i regret what i have done. often do i regret what i have NOT done...

i got invited to go to Boston for this big fettish flea market-- invited to teach a bootblacking seminar. but since this was the last weekend before X-Mas and i work retail, i wasn't able to get enough time off to go for the full weekend. Sigh. i told the presenters that i couldn't do it. a friend of mine who was going anyway and (in HER words) would have been my Igor taught the class. we wrote a handout together for the class, and a few hours before the class she called me with some last minute questions.

But less than a week before the event i realizedthat my work schedule would ACTUALLY kind of accomodate me going-- even though it would have been for one VERY HECTIC day... go to Boston saturday morning and then return to Milwaukee in time to wrok Sunday at noon... doable but a bit of a nightmare...

i decided "not worth the time/money/headache." but the "Rock Star" feel was appealing...

now i'm wishing that i had gone...

i'm just hoping that if i HAD gone, i would have regretted going...

i can't spend my life second-guessing the choices that i have made. i can try to learn from them, but that's just a fancy way of saying "you know you'll make the wrong choice again..."

recently i realized that i am DRAWN to bad choices-- "should i have another beer? NO. WILL i have another beer? HELL YEAH!" (as an over-simplified example...) going to Boston wasn't a BAD choice, but not a logical choice-- so the more i wanted to go, the more i decided that maybe THIS was one of those "bad choices" that i tend to be drawn to.

and i'm going to DC for MId Atlantic Leather in a few weeks-- i've got plenty of opportunities to make bad choices there...

cake or death?

yes, just get two or more bootblacks together in a room with a chocolate cake and you've got yourself a party...

i just got to participate in my third event with official International Ms. Bootblack duties-- judging for the Southwest Bootblack competition in Phoenix, AZ. i am molding and shaping the bootblacks of the future... anything to reach out and grope someone... i mean... yes, well having gay men lick frosting off my chest is the most action that i've had in quite some time, so i'm not going to crown myself Royal Slut quite yet...

but the one thing that i kept saying all weekend was that if i weren't already a bootblack, GOD i'd want to be one because i ALWAYS have so much FUN when hanging out with my bootblack brothers and sisters! theses are some of the BEST people that i have met and i LOVE that i can travel the country and hang out with these guys!

yes, that's right. i get to travel the country to shine shoes... how weird is THAT?

and we all take our titles oh so very seriously-- on Saturday, Alan (International Mr. Bootblack 2004), Cub (International Community Bootblack 2004), and Bootdog (Pacific West Mr. Bootblack 2004) and i swapped vests all day and we played with our rubber devil ducks... by the end of the weekend the Bootblack Community was dubbed the Animal House of the Leather Community... we could do worse.